I was born without knowing why, I have lived without knowing why, and I am dying without either knowing why or how.

Every individual existence goes out in a lonely spasm of helpless agony.

Man has here two and a half minutes—one to smile, one to sigh, and half a one to love; for in the midst of this minute he dies.

I looked and there was a pale green horse! Its rider’s name was Death, and Hades followed with him.

Anyone who’s never watched somebody die is suffering from a pretty bad case of virginity.

The only evidence, so far as I know, about another life is, first, that we have no evidence; and, secondly, that we are rather sorry that we have not, and wish we had.

Life is a farce, and should not end with a mourning scene.

When a man dies, and his kin are glad of it, they say, “He is better off.”

I don’t believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

If a man will observe as he walks the streets, I believe he will find the merriest countenances in mourning coaches.

Epitaph, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect.

The dead are often just as living to us as the living are, only we cannot get them to believe it. They can come to us, but till we die we cannot go to them. To be dead is to be unable to understand that one is alive. 

Let my epitaph be, “Here lies Joseph, who failed in everything he undertook.”