If a parricide is more wicked than anyone who commits homicide—because he kills not merely a man but a near relative—without doubt worse still is he who kills himself, because there is none nearer to a man than himself. 

The only evidence, so far as I know, about another life is, first, that we have no evidence; and, secondly, that we are rather sorry that we have not, and wish we had.

The dead are often just as living to us as the living are, only we cannot get them to believe it. They can come to us, but till we die we cannot go to them. To be dead is to be unable to understand that one is alive. 

The play is the tragedy “Man,” And its hero the conqueror worm.

There is no man so fortunate that there shall not be by him when he is dying some who are pleased with what is going to happen.

A god cannot procure death for himself, even if he wished it, which, so numerous are the evils of life, has been granted to man as our chief good.

I am about to take my last voyage, a great leap in the dark.

I don’t believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Epitaph, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect.

Can we not live without pleasure, who cannot but with pleasure die?

To desire immortality for the individual is really the same as wanting to perpetuate an error forever.

Whoever has died is freed from sin.

Let my epitaph be, “Here lies Joseph, who failed in everything he undertook.”